Call Me Maybe has been a massive hit, it it’ll clearly be a one hit wonder for Carly Rae Jepson. That said, it’ll make her a lot of money, so she’ll still be singing it when she’s 50, which will probably drive her insane (it’s so catchy!). The words might be changed slightly….
Hey I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But I really like you. I haven’t felt this way about anyone for so long and I think that we are destined to be together. My therapist says that I have unresolved emotional issues which emanated from my husband leaving me, and culminating with losing the custody of my children. I don’t even drink anymore, I’ve been on the wagon for almost a month now, and I haven’t had one of my ‘fits’ since last year. I wasn’t even allowed to keep my dog as the RSPCA deemed it to be too risky for his wellbeing, particularly as I kept forgetting to feed him. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to look after him when I can’t look after myself. That’s why I really need someone to help me make it through, and I want it to be you. I need it to be you. Please come round as soon as possible, or I’m not sure I’ll make it through the night. I live in Mission, British Columbia on 8536 Cade Bar, and my number is (604) 820-0840,
So call me maybe?
Friday 25 May 2012
Thursday 24 May 2012
Wasting Time
Last year, after my exams, I had 10 weeks of holiday. While that seemed like a godsend at the time, after about 7 weeks, I started to get bored and short of stuff to do. This year, it’s taken me 3 days before I got bored, running out of things to do. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and some serious procrastination is called for.
Procrastination is no doubt a talent, and a talent must be practiced. The 10,000 hours rule dictates that you should practice a skill for 10,000 hours before you are as good as you can be. Procrastination is harder than it looks (although if you are watching someone procrastinate, you should really think about getting on with some of your own), and it’s hard to think of things to do to fill your time with. Over the last two days, I’ve probably done around 10 hours of pretty much nothing, so at this rate it’ll take me between 3 and 4 years to perfect the art, assuming that I can find 5 hours a day of time that I can happily waste. Here are a few things that I’ve done over the past few days.
1. Counting freckles
The past few days have suddenly decided that they want to be sunny, so I’ve spent a lot of them outside, as I’m sure a lot of people have. A week ago, I didn’t have any freckles at all, whereas my current count has rocketed due to sun’s belated appearance. The sudden rise has been the result of my week’s procrastination in the sun, where I have been trying to find the happy medium between being so pale that I’m reflective, and skin cancer. For those of you who don’t get freckles, you can also spend time staring at your face in the mirror, but instead you can spend the time admiring your beautifully tanned complexion. In principle, I hate you.
2. Watching ‘the other presenter’
TV features as a large part of my procrastination routine. It’s hard to believe that with 900 channels to chose from (minus sky movies, we’re not made of money), that at least one would have something worth watching on. It is of course important to remember that only half of these channels have their own output, and the other half are just showing what their partner channel was showing an hour ago, just in case you missed something that you didn’t want to watch. The other problem is that currently, there are only 3 episodes of Diagnosis Murder on a day. Couple that with the fact that I’ve seen all of them before, (it’s occasionally bearable when you remember who the murderer is, but not when you can practically remember the script) and suddenly that option doesn’t seem appealing either. I have discovered a new way of watching TV though. When programs have more than one presenter, only of them is speaking at a time. The entertainment comes in not listening to the speaker, but watching the other presenter. While the other speaks, they just sit there and stare at you, or even nod along in agreement to the other one. This is well worth trying yourself as if I just describe to you how good it is, it looks like I’m having a break down. Early today I spend quite a lengthy period just watching the newsreader who wasn’t talking. The first time that it even occurred to me that I should get on with something else was when I started hearing news stories that I’d heard before go round the loop again.
3. Writing this
Useless and pointless as this is, at least it takes up time. So far this has taken 20 odd minutes to write, and it would probably take longer if I actually thought about what I was writing, or read through it afterwards instead of submitting it as soon as my internal monologue falls asleep, or at least starts daydreaming. Obviously writing my blog doesn’t account for any of you, but you might want to do something related. Like reading my blog. Admittedly if you’re this far into it, it’s probably too late to turn back.
4. Desperately trying to up your Twitter following
The number of followers you have is purely egotistical. There is barely any point in having thousands of followers, as no one in the world can say anything worth knowing in 140 characters. Then again, there’s no point not having thousands of followers, at least it boosts your pathetic and needy self-esteem. Which is why I want as many followers as possible, so follow me at @i_am_called_ben
There are two reasons why you should do this. Firstly, I follow back, so your tiny boost to my ego will be returned with a tiny boost to yours, even though we both know that in the real world, it means nothing. Secondly, I will feel loved. If you don’t have twitter, you should get it. It’s really good for procrastination. Arguably better than watching people on the news who aren’t speaking.
Procrastination is no doubt a talent, and a talent must be practiced. The 10,000 hours rule dictates that you should practice a skill for 10,000 hours before you are as good as you can be. Procrastination is harder than it looks (although if you are watching someone procrastinate, you should really think about getting on with some of your own), and it’s hard to think of things to do to fill your time with. Over the last two days, I’ve probably done around 10 hours of pretty much nothing, so at this rate it’ll take me between 3 and 4 years to perfect the art, assuming that I can find 5 hours a day of time that I can happily waste. Here are a few things that I’ve done over the past few days.
1. Counting freckles
The past few days have suddenly decided that they want to be sunny, so I’ve spent a lot of them outside, as I’m sure a lot of people have. A week ago, I didn’t have any freckles at all, whereas my current count has rocketed due to sun’s belated appearance. The sudden rise has been the result of my week’s procrastination in the sun, where I have been trying to find the happy medium between being so pale that I’m reflective, and skin cancer. For those of you who don’t get freckles, you can also spend time staring at your face in the mirror, but instead you can spend the time admiring your beautifully tanned complexion. In principle, I hate you.
2. Watching ‘the other presenter’
TV features as a large part of my procrastination routine. It’s hard to believe that with 900 channels to chose from (minus sky movies, we’re not made of money), that at least one would have something worth watching on. It is of course important to remember that only half of these channels have their own output, and the other half are just showing what their partner channel was showing an hour ago, just in case you missed something that you didn’t want to watch. The other problem is that currently, there are only 3 episodes of Diagnosis Murder on a day. Couple that with the fact that I’ve seen all of them before, (it’s occasionally bearable when you remember who the murderer is, but not when you can practically remember the script) and suddenly that option doesn’t seem appealing either. I have discovered a new way of watching TV though. When programs have more than one presenter, only of them is speaking at a time. The entertainment comes in not listening to the speaker, but watching the other presenter. While the other speaks, they just sit there and stare at you, or even nod along in agreement to the other one. This is well worth trying yourself as if I just describe to you how good it is, it looks like I’m having a break down. Early today I spend quite a lengthy period just watching the newsreader who wasn’t talking. The first time that it even occurred to me that I should get on with something else was when I started hearing news stories that I’d heard before go round the loop again.
3. Writing this
Useless and pointless as this is, at least it takes up time. So far this has taken 20 odd minutes to write, and it would probably take longer if I actually thought about what I was writing, or read through it afterwards instead of submitting it as soon as my internal monologue falls asleep, or at least starts daydreaming. Obviously writing my blog doesn’t account for any of you, but you might want to do something related. Like reading my blog. Admittedly if you’re this far into it, it’s probably too late to turn back.
4. Desperately trying to up your Twitter following
The number of followers you have is purely egotistical. There is barely any point in having thousands of followers, as no one in the world can say anything worth knowing in 140 characters. Then again, there’s no point not having thousands of followers, at least it boosts your pathetic and needy self-esteem. Which is why I want as many followers as possible, so follow me at @i_am_called_ben
There are two reasons why you should do this. Firstly, I follow back, so your tiny boost to my ego will be returned with a tiny boost to yours, even though we both know that in the real world, it means nothing. Secondly, I will feel loved. If you don’t have twitter, you should get it. It’s really good for procrastination. Arguably better than watching people on the news who aren’t speaking.
Tuesday 15 May 2012
The Perfect Man
Warning: This post is even more self-absorbed than normal.
So they’ve discovered what makes up the perfect man. I have no idea who ‘they’ are, but I think they just asked some women. These dreadful lists seem to find their way onto the MSN website and sadly, so do I.
It’s a list of 30 characteristics that make up the perfect man. Now, I have never claimed to be the perfect man, but I’m pretty sure everyone thinks I’m close. So let’s seem how I measure up.
1. Is 6 feet tall.
No word of a lie, I’m 1cm less than 6 ft. Which is suppose not 6ft. No one will love me if I’m 5’ 11 and a half.
2. Muscly, toned and athletic.
The brilliant thing about the internet is that you can’t see me. So let’s go with yes…
3. Brown eyes.
No. But I do have eyes, which is half way there.
4. Non-smokers.
Finally. Actually, I do smoke when I’m on fire. So I suppose I don’t even qualify for that.
5. Good dress sense.
No comment. But I do have t-shirts with different Star Wars logos for each day of the week.
6. Short dark hair
Yes, I definitely do.
7. Earns at least £48,000 a year
No, I definitely don’t.
8. Only says ‘I love you’ when
Yeah that’s true. I don’t know why I even bother, my cats can’t understand me.
(I’m joking. My cats are the only ones who understand me. Understand who I really am. They are the only ones I can trust and tell all my problems to.)
There’s a whole list of these, and I don’t qualify for many. Turns out I’m not perfect after all, who’d have thought.
These lists are clearly pointless as people have different tastes. There must be someone who likes every look, or it would die out through evolution. Although that doesn’t explain the continued existence of gingers.
That was a joke.
Haha
Friday 11 May 2012
Pennies With Purpose
So what do you do in your spare time? It’s a question that’s asked in interviews, put on CVs and is integral to a Take Me Out participation form. What people chose to do in their spare time is very personal, and makes up a lot of who we are as people. To give an obvious example, I blog. Some say it’s pointless, self-absorbed and narcissistic, others say it’s pointless, but mildly amusing and quite often a good excuse to put off revision (what do you think I’m supposed to be doing now?). Either way, it’s universally agreed that it’s pointless.
Today I met someone, a family friend once-removed or something, who had a very different hobby. She and a few friends had set up a charity, and she will spend her free time fundraising for it. They are aiming to raise 6 million pennies, one for each of the Jewish victims of the holocaust. Here it would probably be wise to mention:
a) That she is Jewish. But then she is a family friend, and all my family’s friends are Jewish, we have a strict quota system
b) 6 million pennies in £60,000. The vast majority of people reading this will have either not bothered to work that out, or worked it out wrong like I originally did
Apart from highlighting how pointless my hobby of writing occasional slightly humorous 500 word rambles is, this project blew me away. Entirely metaphorically.
It’s not my place to preach how appalling the holocaust was, or how the many of the effects still haven’t been rectified half a century later and much more needs to be done, but you may notice that I’m doing it anyway. The money raised is split between 6 holocaust related charities, each helping a different area of society, some Jewish, some entirely unrelated to Judaism. This is a cause that I really firmly believe in. Being directly related to holocaust victims, I honestly would love to do what I can to do good and make the world a better place. Unfortunately what I can do is sit at my laptop and type out rubbish, which is not going to really make much of a difference in the wider world. Which is where you come in.
I am fully aware that the vast majority of readers are my age and either don’t have disposable money, don’t have debit card or don’t have a heart. Either way, I doubt many people reading this will directly donate, although it would be awesome if you did. But don’t let that be a reason for you not to get others to donate. Show your parents, get them to give a fiver and tell their friends. Or get them to give 60 grand and get the whole thing done quickly. But a fiver would be wonderful.
More information is on their website, which I’ll like at the bottom. And unlike the KONY 2012 campaign, the people who run this charity will make sure that every penny will go to the cause.
While charity seems like effort, please make the effort. It’s not everyday that you make an actual difference to make people’s lives better. If nothing else, it will make you feel better. Promise!
http://www.pennieswithpurpose.co.uk/
http://www.justgiving.com/Pennies-With-Purpose
Today I met someone, a family friend once-removed or something, who had a very different hobby. She and a few friends had set up a charity, and she will spend her free time fundraising for it. They are aiming to raise 6 million pennies, one for each of the Jewish victims of the holocaust. Here it would probably be wise to mention:
a) That she is Jewish. But then she is a family friend, and all my family’s friends are Jewish, we have a strict quota system
b) 6 million pennies in £60,000. The vast majority of people reading this will have either not bothered to work that out, or worked it out wrong like I originally did
Apart from highlighting how pointless my hobby of writing occasional slightly humorous 500 word rambles is, this project blew me away. Entirely metaphorically.
It’s not my place to preach how appalling the holocaust was, or how the many of the effects still haven’t been rectified half a century later and much more needs to be done, but you may notice that I’m doing it anyway. The money raised is split between 6 holocaust related charities, each helping a different area of society, some Jewish, some entirely unrelated to Judaism. This is a cause that I really firmly believe in. Being directly related to holocaust victims, I honestly would love to do what I can to do good and make the world a better place. Unfortunately what I can do is sit at my laptop and type out rubbish, which is not going to really make much of a difference in the wider world. Which is where you come in.
I am fully aware that the vast majority of readers are my age and either don’t have disposable money, don’t have debit card or don’t have a heart. Either way, I doubt many people reading this will directly donate, although it would be awesome if you did. But don’t let that be a reason for you not to get others to donate. Show your parents, get them to give a fiver and tell their friends. Or get them to give 60 grand and get the whole thing done quickly. But a fiver would be wonderful.
More information is on their website, which I’ll like at the bottom. And unlike the KONY 2012 campaign, the people who run this charity will make sure that every penny will go to the cause.
While charity seems like effort, please make the effort. It’s not everyday that you make an actual difference to make people’s lives better. If nothing else, it will make you feel better. Promise!
http://www.pennieswithpurpose.co.uk/
http://www.justgiving.com/Pennies-With-Purpose
Wednesday 9 May 2012
The weirdo on the bus
Somehow, I’ve found myself in the situation where I am the only Sixth Former on my school bus. For 25 minutes at a time, twice a day, I am completely surrounded by small people who irritate me. Or the year 11s, big people who irritate me.
There are obvious disadvantages to this situation. The obvious one is that I have no one to talk to (if there were any other year 12s on the bus, I would probably not talk to them. But it’s nice to know I have the option). I am a big fan of conversation, as it facilitates two of my favourite things; finding out new stuff and complaining about stuff. In an ideal world, I find out stuff which I can then complain about. I can do neither on my own, and it’s nice to at least have the illusion that someone’s listening.
The other disadvantage to being on my own is that it plays into one of my pet hates, overhearing stupid conversations. You’d think that a bus full of people who’d passed the 11+ would lead to some intellectual conversations, discussing the elusive Higgs Bosom particle and pondering the new French president’s left-wing economic stance. The reality could hardly be further away. In the last week I have heard:
“Can you see gravity?”
“I wonder if Twilight is more famous than the Bible yet”
“Your mum’s so fat that you have two dads”
(This one in particular blows my mind)
It’s been pretty much a year now, so I’ve got used to it, and there is a flip side. Being the only year 12 on the bus means that there’s no one there to judge me, or at least no one whose opinion matters to me. For 50 minutes a day, I can just do what I like and be weird. I can rap along to Jason Mraz and hum when it gets to the chorus and no one cares. I can daydream and stare out the window and no one cares. And I reckon that everybody needs time where no one judges them. Everybody needs time to be a weirdo. And every bus needs a weirdo.
Monday 7 May 2012
A life changing moment
It’s not every day that your entire existence and purpose in life is called into question. It’s not even every day. At most, it’s once a fortnight, and even that can be called a busy couple of weeks.
Before this point, I’d pretty much set my life plan out. Psychology at university, become a journalist, marry a surgeon, become editor of the Guardian, retire onto an island. Not Ireland, a proper one. I was so sure that this was the path that my life would take (minus the surgeon part, I would be just as happy to marry a Hollywood actress or one or more of the Saturdays), that I took all the precautions to achieve this. All my A level choices and all my work experience is geared towards that path. No flexibility to accommodate any potentially life changing epiphanies that might arise.
I many terrible habits, anyone who went to my old school will testify as to how long I spent with my finger up my nose until the age of 8. One of these which I still suffer from is that I have a tendency to look at someone doing something and think “It’s good……I could do that! Probably better.”
The only reason I ended up watching this film was because I had money left over on an iTunes voucher and it was on special offer. Either this was fate, or no one was buying it at full price. I like to think it was both. I had been looking for an action, romcom or murder mystery film (lolwut?!), but the title attracted me to this.
Bowling for Columbine. What’s not to like? I know what bowling is (a game where you try to knock down pins by rolling a ball at them). I know what Columbine was (a tragic high school massacre in which 12 students and 1 teacher was murdered). I’m sure that everyone, knowing this information, would certainly want to watch it.
I honestly don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t a documentary. I thought documentaries are either videos of penguins with Morgan Freeman and David Attenborough talking over them, or programs on Channel 5 in which incredibly fat people talk about being incredibly fat. This was something else.
A film by someone called Michael Moore, who is basically a left-wing whinger like me, Bowling for Columbine was a powerfully moving film about the weapon crisis in America, and the public’s attitude towards it. Through its masterful imagery and penetrating investigative journalism, the film is both informative as to the problem, and persuasive, making the watcher want to take action. It is wonderful in many ways, not only entertainment, but entertainment with a message. Entertainment that can change the world and make it a better, safer place. I watched this and thought “This is utterly amazing…………I could do that!”
Watching it was possibly a life changing moment, because it completely changed what I want to do as a career. Admittedly, this may not last long (I used to want to be a spaceman), but at the moment it seems to be where I want to go. If anyone hasn’t seen any Michael Moore films, I would recommend this, and also Fahrenheit 911 and Sicko. He is brilliant. If anyone has never seen any documentaries, then what are doing? Seriously, drop everything and go and watch March of the Penguins. It’s a video of penguins, with Morgan Freeman narrating! And not a single high school massacre in sight, what’s not to love?
This one experience has completely changed what I want to do with my life, I want to be a film maker. I want to make films that inspire people and change people. But I still want to marry a Saturday. Preferably Una or Frankie.
Wednesday 2 May 2012
I have a dream
I had a dream last night.
I know, a terrible opener for both a blog entry, and any conversation ever. If anyone ever starts a conversation with me telling me about their dreams, I immediately join in with the spirit of the conversation. By daydreaming. Don’t worry, the ending’s even worse.
Bare with me, I had a dream last night. Since getting a new (and unbelievable comfy) mattress, I’ve been sleeping much deeper, and getting some REM in. Not the band, although anyone who knows their stuff about REM, or like me, has looked at their wikipedia page, will know that REM comes from rapid eye movement, which is what you do when you dream. So in this case, I was dreaming, rather than listening to REM. Although I can recommend that too.
Since I found out about the concept, I’ve been desperate to be able to lucid dream. This is where once you’ve recognised that you’re in a dream, you can control the events, rather than just going along with it. Apparently there’s a technique to it, so I’ve put it on my list of things to learn to do, along with drive a car and make people think I’m normal.
When I dream, though, I am absolutely sold to it. I have no idea that each 20 minute period (most dreams only last 15-20 minutes), aren’t reality, for their duration anyway. Sometimes, when I wake up, I am genuinely surprised that I’m not a dragon, and have never have been. And let’s be honest, a little disappointed.
What dreams have a habit of doing is portraying the world in a way that I, subconsciously, want it to be. A few days ago, I had a dream where I was going out with a girl, and she was perfect. Not conventionally beautiful, but in my rapidly moving eyes, she was perfect. She was blonde which surprised me, as my usual preference is brunette, but everything seemed right so it didn’t matter. What struck me most was her perfect personality. Everything she did and said was exactly how I would’ve wanted her to do and say, and she exactly shared my sense of humour and interests. I’d found the one.
Here’s a fact that I found interesting, when you dream, everyone you see in your dream is a face that you’ve seen before in real life. Your brain lacks the power to invent faces, so everyone you see is someone your brain has stored, be them a local news reporter, a lollipop lady or the Pope. Remembering this, I realised that my perfect woman must actually exist, so I took to Google. Not too much looking revealed her to be actress Rachel McAdams, off of out of Mean Girls and Sherlock Holmes. What my brain had done was essentially taken Rachel McAdams’ face, and given her my personality. Shame, our children were beautiful.
I am fully aware that this entire post has been entirely self-indulgent and not particularly entertaining. So true to form, and as promised, it was have a rubbish ending, the ending you’re never supposed to use. Brace yourself……
….and then I woke up.
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